Going Backwards

Morning lovely blog addicts!

So why am I up at such a godforsaken hour? Well I'm going back to school. I don't know why, no it's not because I'm impeccably stupid and need to retake anything. My dear friend Harriet and I decided it would be a good idea to go back and see Miss Mercer, our old drama teacher and the only reason I got any A Levels at all!

See, in theory this is a great idea. We can go back all grown up and chipper and show her how amazingly we are doing and thank her for all her help to get us to where we are now. The only thing is that I don't actually have that much to show for my first year of university. I've spent countless nights drunk (she won't want to know about those) I've been in a student film (I haven't even seen it so how am I supposed to know if it's good or not?) I've audition for one play (I didn't get further than the first callback) I've spent more hours cheerleading than in lectures and seminars (ok, so I danced on national TV but it still doesn't count) and I somehow managed to get a first... Through sheet luck and some very late night essay writing!

But what does that really mean? Some people have been all over the county. Some people have been in countless plays, now hold a position on the drama society comity and some have even bee in a film or two... Me? Nada!

So I question how I am supposed to go back into the school that spent 7 years trying to teach me, who helped me become the girl I was this time last year and say "hey! All that hard work? All that time trying to discover who I was? I lost myself the day I went to University"

I've got to admit its more than a little peculiar getting up at six, getting ready to go and catch a train to be picked up by Harriet and then get a bacon sandwich before going to school! It's like being back in sixth form only this time I'm allowed to wear what I want, I have two tattoos and my hair is a different colour! Oh and I'm not going there to learn anything!

So mon amies (see, I still use my GCSE's at least!) I'm off to the past to see it somehow it can help me work out what to do in the present!

Muchos love
HarrietCorey
Xox

Sell By Dates

Evening Blog lovers, haters and frequent stalkers...

So romance and love and relationships are funny little things. We put so c effort and attention into them, and what is it all for? I mean, I've had some pretty normal and pretty weird relationships, you all knew that before now though - I mean. I blog about most of them, or mention them. Or to be fair most of you are my friends (Probably chiefly Harriet) but I think I've topped the weirdness scale this time.

My current relationship has a sell by date.

Entering into a relationship with someone new is so exciting and the temptation of the un-known is overwhelming in most cases, it was a little like this with my current boyfriend. We met at work and it was only ever supposed to be "Just a fling" it had been boxed, labeled and classified before we even began. Slowly and surely it became more, we ended up "Seeing each other casually" and then "Seeing each other not so casually" swiftly followed by a full-blown "break up which isn't a break up because we were never actually together" before he came to his senses and realised that actually I meant a little more to him than either of us realised and before we knew it we were official. It's been that way for two months now and I love it. I like having someone to text and someone who I know will be there for me at the end of the day. He's always there if I need a hug or a chat or to take me out for a drink after a stressful day at work. The only problem is that our relationship is living on borrowed time, it's only a matter of time until everything ends.

He's 7 years older than me, he's been to University and the fact that he's back working at B&Q and living with his parents is a really sore subject. He hates it and who wouldn't? His dreams are bigger and better than that and one of the, well I guess, one of the conditions of us having any kind of serious relationship was that when he needed to move away for work, or he found a better job our relationship would be over. In a really selfish way I'd been hoping it would never amount to this, that maybe our relationship would be over through me pressing my oh-so-famous self destruct button before he could move away and leave me but he told me today that he's been selected for a management course within the company and will probably be going to lots of different stores. I know I sound like a total bitch with my previous comments but I'm so terribly proud of him and so excited for him too, it's just the realization that my relationship probably only has until October 22nd and then it's over?

The question is, is there any point in carrying on if there's no future in it? I've been hoping the whole time that something would happen and we'd be OK - but it's always there in the back of my mind. How long do we have left? When is it going to be over? Will I be able to handle it? How on earth is that break up conversation going to go?

It's be brilliant for some reasons though, every cloud has it's silver lining after all, it's all been very "live in the moment" I've been able to do things I've never done before, spontaneous things and all that. Silly little things like staying at his for two nights in a row, going to the zoo, the cinema, suggesting date ideas which I'd never have done if I thought we had all the time in the world. But it's getting a bit weird now he's saying "oh no, we'll do it in October, or November" and I'm sat thinking, yes sounds perfect but we haven't got time for that. Our relationship will be over before we even get that far... gosh I make it sound like one of us is dying! It's terrible I know but it's also a bit pathetic to feel like you're rushing things because it's not going to be like this much longer.

I care about him a lot, and I hate feeling like I'm going to be holding him back if we continue being together - but it won't just be him, I've got to start University again in a few weeks, which means less overtime at work, no days off and all my friends will be back. I've never ever been good at juggling a relationship with work, friends and school which is why this summer fling has been so damn perfect. I haven't had to worry about Uni and I've been at work every other day - which means I've seen him almost every other day since we started going out. But now? Now I'm facing the reality that I may not be able to cope and something, or someone, is going to suffer. I just hope for once it isn't me.

Well bloggies, sorry to be such a boring and complaining cow - but hey sometimes that's just life and sometimes we need to just type and type and type and not look back? No regrets remember?

Love you always
HarrietCorey
xox

Exhaustion

Hey my lovers, haters and kick ass fighters!
So I've only just woken up - and have had a grand total of not very much sleep, and I'm beyond exhausted! But the question is why on earth was I awake at stupid o'clock in the morning? Firstly I have been updating my blog, changing the colour scheme and the header and as you can see I had two blogs to post as well!

I then began talking to one of my super good friends about tattoos, when I started university I didn't have any. Then I met Lauren and now I have two, which I love and I was talking to her last night about her newest tattoo craving (a pink flamingo) which is so very her and I can't imagine her not having a flamingo tattoo at some point in her life!
But it got me thinking about the two tattoos I've been wanting for ages and ages;

Número UNO: whenever I'm hurting or whenever I'm upset there's one thing people tell me to be, they never tell me to cheer up and to smile - be brave, be strong is all I can ever remember anyone saying to me. Now as you l know I'm a very Disney girl, I absolutely love it and when Sirius passed away the first thing I thought as I stood in the street and one of my best friends told me to "be brave" was "I'm only brave when I have to be" which I couldn't remember where it was from.
It was only later watching the lion king that I realised and it was something Muffasa tells the young version of Simba. The idea is that this tattoo will be on my ribs on the right hand side, like it's curved under my boob. It'll be a reminder that I am strong and I am brave when I need to be, but also a bit of a reminder that it's ok not to be brave all of the time.

The second tattoo I want is again Lion related, Iove them more than anyone realises - I genuinely think it's only my family, my best friend and Alex (who only knows because we went to the zoo) that know just how much I worship them. Being a Leo I've always felt close to them and they're so strong and powerful and beautiful that I couldn't ever imagine not loving them. The idea for the tattoo is a little weird, originally I was going to get both a lion and a lioness walking side by side, since they're such loyal lovers but then I decided that for now I would just get the lioness - representing me and then when I find the right person I want to marry and who I think is my soul mate then I would add the lion in next to her. I know it's a bit of a soppy romantic story but that's kind of how I've always wanted it!

So I've had very very little sleep now thanks to blogs and lions and tattoos but I'm really excited to start designing them and to go and book for the first one! Yay!

Anyways my lovelies I'm going to bed again as I'm ridiculously tired!
HarrietCorey
Xox

Confidence To Try

Hey Bloggers, Lovers, Haters, Aliens and Strangers!

So this summer has been a bit of a different one, I haven't been to France and I haven't been at home, instead I've been in good-old Canterbury mainly working but there has been an exciting new venture in my life! As I've previously blogged about, I'm a University Cheerleader for the University of Kent Performance Squad (The Falconettes) and it is from this that I began talking to my now housemate Charlotte about cheerleading. It turned out that she had been part of a professional cheerleading squad the summer before who cheer for the Kent Spitfires (The County Cricket Team) at their Twenty20 Matches and YB40 matches. 

It was a bit random but she asked if I wanted to try out with her back in Spring time and obviously thinking it would be very similar to cheering at American Football games I said yes! I was asked to prepare a short cheerleading routine. I had no idea what to expect so decided I would just go along, have some fun and perform part of my University Cheer routine! (Since I'd never done any real dancing before, let alone choreography!) So I got all dressed up in my high pony tail and glitter and caught the bus to the St Lawrence cricket grounds - considering I had never been before I was in total awe, the amount of seating and the size of the pitch was spectacular to little old me in her glitter and trainers. Luckily I had Charlotte there with me, I think I'd turned white as I turned to her and gulped "Does it really get that full?" 

After a couple of weeks of waiting I got the message that I was being asked back by Tanya (Head Cheerio and Choreographer extraordinaire - gosh I hope she never sees that!) for another audition, this time with more of the girls! So again I turned up the next week, shaking, nervous and no idea what to expect! It was when I walked into the gym following behind "Miss Herne Bay" that I suddenly realised how out of my depth I was - or I thought I was! 

Featured in the Newspaper

Still I smiled, even when the local newspaper came to take photos and I danced as best I could! Quickly picking up the routine but failing to perform it very well - have I mentioned yet that I've never done proper dancing before? No? Oh well guess what? I'd never danced properly before! 

To be honest with you blog readers, I left that audition knowing that I'd done horribly, I've done a few auditions for plays and such in my short time on this planet and I know when something has gone awfully wrong - Tanya was lovely during the auditions and the other girls were joking around, smiling, laughing and made me feel totally a part of the group! (Most of them were coming back for their third year so all knew each other) and I cannot tell you how disappointed in myself I was, I genuinely went home and curled up in bed and cried the glitter off my face - I felt like it was a disaster. 

A few days later I received a text - "Hello just to let you know that you are in the squad for the spitfire sweethearts. Can you make a meeting on Monday afternoon? Well done! I will discuss payment etc on Monday" I screamed. I was in work at the time and I so vividly remember turning to one of the girls I work with Ellie and just grinning "I'm a professional Cheerleader" 

From there it was a whirlwind couple of weeks full of 3 hour long rehearsals every Sunday to get ready for the first match! Being one of three new girls in the squad I had to learn 3 routines and fast! Whatever I had thought this squad would be like I was so so wrong. I remember the first rehearsal, full of pirouettes, high kicks, complicated counts and would looked like an impossible routine - we weren't cheerleaders, we were dancers. But something really strange happened, I picked it up and I learnt the routines and even though I was so stupidly nervous, when the first match came I knew the dances and I performed in front of hundreds of people at the county cricket grounds with Sky TV filming... 

I have never been so scared in my life. 

But that was just the beginning of what turned into an amazing summer! I've spend my Sundays rehearsing with the squad, and long days cheering and dancing in front of up to 4000 people at a time! On big screens and everything! I've even been shown on Sky Sports behind an interview shaking my pom poms and looking like a grinning idiot. 

What's surprised me the most about the summer is the fact that, despite being so nervous and never having danced before these girls gave me the confidence to go out there and "Shake your pom poms" whenever I felt like giving up, or I wasn't good enough (and that happened a lot) there was always someone there to knock some sense into me and make me smile, so I owe all of it to them, my beautiful cheerios!

Of course it wasn't always a barrel of laughs, Twitter has been a dangerous media during my time as a Spitfire Sweetheart and I'd become obsessed with checking what people had said about us;

" #spitfiresweethearts are shit"

"Lack-luster performance"

"Thunder Thighs"

"Too much sweets and notenough hearts" 

This is only a small sample, but they got a lot worse! It used to really get to me, like I said I became obsessed, paranoid about my figure and I would spend a lot more time before match days fixing my hair and makeup worrying what horrible things people were going to say next. What I swiftly and thankfully realised was that no matter how many negative comments we got, there was always someone at the ground on the day who came up and thanked us, an audience who clapped for us, men who complimented us and countless people telling us how well we had done and what a joy it was to watch us. It was this kind of responce that I began to pay attention to and that's when I realised how much I loved being a part of something that made people smile! Then it didn't matter whether they were laughing with us, or at us because we were having fun and putting in all our efforts to make our routines amazing. I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing, even the critique and I cannot wait for next year to be bigger and better than this!

So as I hang up my uniform for this season and put away the glitter I can't help but reminisce over what a fantastic summer it has been, and how I've gone out and done something I never in a million years thought I would do - So in case any of you ever see this I just want to thank Tanya from the bottom of my heart for giving me the opportunity and the rest of the girls for being so supportive and so much fun!

Heck I'm allready missing it so very very much- thank goodness University Cheer starts again soon

Muchos Love @5:30am

HarrietCorey

Lucy, Anna, Jessie, Me, Ashden, Eloise, Hayley, Morgan, Melissa 

If Home Is Where The Heart Is...

Hey blog viewers, I know it's been a while and my blog has become somewhere that I can only really turn to when something happens or when I need to let off some steam or I have something that needs to be said. Well unfortunately it's a little bit of each of those this time and I'm sorry for anyone that hast to read this but it's basically my way of ranting and raving about whats happening in my life at the moment. But none of this is supposed to sound like a sob story and I apologise if it does, especially to my family since it obviously concerns them a lot, I'm writing it all down because it's the only way I'm ever actually going to get over it all and come to terms with everything happening so quickly and if it sounds over dramatic or attention seeking then again I apologise because it's really not, it's just the way everything feels at the moment.

Since coming to University I found it so hard to settle in, in my first term I was going back and forth between here and home every week or so and it was a great comfort to both me and my family knowing I was so close and able to see them every few days. The second term was much the same and it was only summer term that I really became independent. I suddenly decided to take my job at B&Q more seriously and University suddenly became a lot more interesting and it between this and my new job as a Spitfire Sweetheart (which I will post about soon when the timing is right) that made me feel like I could stand on my own two feet a bit more. It ended up that going home became something I only did once or twice for special reasons, heck I didn't even go home for Mothers Day.

It was when I went home about a month ago now, for a week, that my family started to tell me everything that was going on in their lives and it sounds pathetic and poetic and just stupid but it was when I was sat cup of tea in my hand that my mum went "There's also some sad news" and my heart sank, the last time she'd used that line it was when my kitten had been run over and they weren't sure if he was going to be OK or not. This time isn't much different, I'm sure I've posted about him before since he's such a colossal part of my life and has been for the past 8 years. My dog Sirius (named after the starts not the Harry Potter films) has a tumour in his mouth. It's malignant and he is going to die, when my mum told me it wasn't a case of years or months but more weeks and a month or so at best. I don't think I really came to terms with that idea, after all I've not been at home, I've not seen him getting worse but over the course of that week at home I realised how slow and sad he had suddenly become, at that point he was eating and he was playing with his ball and would curl up on the sofa with my mum in the evening just like usual - he seemed OK and I think a part of me forgot what was going to happen, so I never said goodbye. I don't know if it was on purpose or if I simply forgot with the excitement of coming back to Canterbury but I didn't and I've been waiting for the phone call from my mum ever since.

But it's been ok, each time I've spoken to my family I've been told Sirius is fine, he has his low days and his high days and it's all looking ok at the moment, until this week when I was speaking to my mum about plans for my dad's birthday on the Friday. I only had the Friday off work and so it was a case of either me going home for the day or my family coming to Canterbury to see me, both of which sounded like really good options, until Wednesday when my mum asked me to go home, my dad was working during the day so that was part of it but Sirius was worse and she felt it was time I came home and said goodbye. Again I managed to push it to the back of my mind, I had hundreds of things to sort out and work every day and my boyfriend was staying the night Thursday so I had plenty of things to occupy my time. Then on the Friday I caught the train home, met up with my family and went to the cinema to see Simon Peggs new film (it was awful). At 6 we got home, and pulling into our drive the first thing I saw was the "For Sale" sign outside of our house. (This is where two sob stories interject into being one)

I've known for a while that my parents weren't happy in the house anymore and that they wanted a change of scene, my mum and dad had been talking about moving since before I went to University and to be fair (and I'm sorry family) I never thought it would happen as there was so much hesitation and procrastination. I'd been told that day before that someone was going to take photos of the house to put it on the market but it never crossed my mind that the day after they would but the sign up outside. I've lived in my home my entire life, it was the house I was taken back to after I was born, the place where I lost my first tooth, where all our cats are buried, where most of my happiest memories are. You see in films when parents decide to sell a house and the kids aren't happy about it, the kicking down the sign and the tampering with the property to make it so other people wouldn't buy it - I can honestly say all of those thoughts went through my head. Maybe if I break down the sign no-one will know and my family can stay living there whilst I finish at University and then everything will be ok for when I come back - oh and universe whilst you're at it could you work a miracle and make it so my dog's tumour just goes away? Thank you.

I know, I'm being about as selfish as I can get!

So leaving the house thing for the moment and going back to Sirius. When we got inside the thing I noticed first was the happy bouncing puppy who I'd left behind a year ago - he seemed no different and for a split second I thought it had all been a joke. Then I noticed the smell, to be fair he is a dog and has never smelt of sunshine and buttercups but the smell of rot and decay was slightly overpowering, to the point I had to go upstairs and prepare myself for going back down to see him. Along with the smell was his chest and front legs, they looked black from all the slobber and gunk which was coming from his mouth, obviously where the tumour has grown closing his mouth and swallowing and all these things we all take for granted he couldn't do. I don't think my heart has ever actually been broken until I caught sight of him in the kitchen, laying on the floor not moving, just staring into the distance and I think that's the point it really hit home about what was happening - The long and short is that my parents are going to decide soon when he should be put down, he's sad and miserable and although he has his good days his bad days are so bad that they're barely worth it anymore. It was with this idea in mind that I had to say goodbye to him at 6 the next morning - 12 hours to come to terms with the reality of the situations going on back home. Saying goodbye to Sirius, our home being sold and our holiday home in France also being put on the market (I'll explain in a second). When I sat down by his head (behind him so I didn't have to smell his breath) and started to stoke his head I thought he would get up, slobber on me, demand my affection and wag his tail - the most he did was open his eyes and look up at me. Cue the tears, but I did it and I've said goodbye and now I really am waiting for that call to let me know that it's all over, that whilst I'm miles away doing my job, cheerleading for the county cricket and hanging out with friends my family are having to make one of the hardest choices they've had to make and it's killing me that I'm not there for them, that I'm so far away but so close and yet there's still nothing I can do.

As for the houses? Well my parent's don't know where they'll move to, some of the ideas that have been considered are ridiculous (sorry family) but so long as they're happy then that's all that matters. I think I'm about to learn that home really is where your heart is - since both my homes are being sold.

I've gone all emotional and teary again so I'll be quick saying about France - When my Grandmother died my parents used the money to buy us a holiday house in the Loire Valley, it was just a run down old barn without heating, Internet and without any other English people around. When we were younger my brother and I loved it, it was great fun making dens in all the sheds, riding our bikes up and down the lanes pretending we were on mopeds like in Zoey 101 (not that he would every admit it) Even before we got actually beds and used to have to camp on little cots in the main room all together it was family time and every summer we would love it. Then we got older and grumpy and friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and parties and Internet became a lot more important to us and we started wishing away the 4-6 weeks of bliss we had out there, now my parents have decided they won't ever be able to make the house as nice as they wanted and so are looking to sell it and buy somewhere nearer the South, where they can go and not have to worry about doing all the DIY that comes with our current house. I don't think they were actively going to sell it yet - but they received a letter from a French Estate Agent asking would they be prepared to sell it and I think it's been taken as a sign that this is the right time and that it would be a good idea to sell both homes at the same time, and I'm ok with that, like I said - so long as they're happy.

So there you have it, that's my somewhat crazy life at the moment.

I will get back to blogging properly soon - I promise, I just need to get everything sorted in my life first!

xox

HarrietCorey

An Update:

I wrote this a while ago, several weeks ago in fact and I did post it, but even though I managed to write down everything that was happening I didn’t feel like I could actually post it – however since writing this post Sirius has passed away. It’s been a few weeks since my mum called me crying and I can safely say that even though I’ve spent two weeks at home since I haven’t come to terms with it, he’s been such a massive part of my life that whilst at home I kept imagining him, I’d throw some food on the floor and leave it for him only to walk back into the room and realise he didn’t clean it up. I kept hearing him shuffling around the house and countless times I would run downstairs to let him into the house if it was raining. I think that’s been the hardest bit, the two weeks where I was home and the house was still so full of him, his toys, his memory, it’s like he was still there with us and I know the rest of my family felt the same. That’s not to say I don’t miss him terribly, I’ve been trying not to think about him too much because if I do then it takes a while to stop and carry on with the day. But now I feel like I can post this to the world and say hey – this is what has happened in my life, thank goodness for my friends, my family and my boyfriend for all being there for me through this. I know it’s been hard but without them I really wouldn’t have coped. 

University - The Truth

It's pointless - sorry everyone who says it isn't but after yesterday I have officially decided that no, university is not a good use of time and money... I do have a proper case against it though so here goes -

My first ever first -

Yesterday I got an essay back with 72% (for those who don't go to Uni that means I managed to get a first!) which I was beyond thrilled with, actually I couldn't have been more happy... Not just because its a first but because it was a very unlikely result. This term I've had clashes with my extra curricular activities (cheerleading) have haven't attended my Tuesday lecture for one of my modules. Which in theory should mean I didn't know how to write the essay!
It doesn't stop there, my essay was on Ibsens "Hedda Gabbler" and the objective was to compare the women in the play to women in society now and look at how the play still has an impact. I haven't read the play. There you go readers! That's my biggest confession, I wrote a 2000 word essay on a play I've never read.
Then to top it off I researched and wrote and handed my essay in, all in a single day... Pathetic right? So HOW did I manage to get a first?! It should have been impossible!

Unless I'm a super genius and never knew it before now...

Highly unlikely right? But for the amount I'm paying to be at university you have to wonder what even is the point?!
Anyways rant over blog viewers!

Xox
HarrietCorey